Thursday, February 08, 2007

Dreaming (grief warning)


Things have been okay. Yesterday, I even thought, hey, I'm actually all right. Apparently this is my mind's cue for another tsunami--"enough strength has built up, time to leap again." My aunt pointed out that my mind is doing a huge amount of work under the surface, trying to integrate the loss.

In the dream, he has left me. We are renovating a house in London, and I have come home to it, and the builder tells me that my husband isn't coming home and that my instructions are not to look for him. He is gone without a trace but I'm not to try to find him. In the dream, I'm devastated, but I cope; I go about my days; I walk along with one of the children (younger for some reason) in the rain, wearing my raincoat, and I see his raincoat across the street, and I think, aha, okay, I'll be cool, not chase, not acknowledge. And the wearer of the coat is not him, as it happens, and I am glad not to have made a fool of myself. And I get home to the London house, and I have a stroke of brilliance: I can call him at work! Yes! I struggle, but recall his phone number at the office. And I woke up, thinking, I can call him at work! And what his phone number is. And that he'd left me. And that he was somewhere, alive.

And he isn't. And he didn't want to leave me. And I'm doing a lot of crying this morning. It's making the keyboard a bit soggy. I should have seen it coming because my body has been doing some odd things, the first tremors of the earthquake that struck as I slept. But who wants to see such things coming? Of course I'm going to continue to grieve; duh. It is not a conscious process; this is deeply disturbing for me.

Knitting: finally nearly done with little guy's gloves.

Time to take the dog out.

Peace.

7 Comments:

Blogger Jena the yarn harpy said...

I'm wishing you, as always, peace and hope and strength.
*hug*

8:52 AM  
Anonymous Carla said...

Hang in there Liz. You are much stronger than you realize! *hugs*

8:59 AM  
Anonymous Lynne said...

Big hugs.

9:29 AM  
Blogger Lucia said...

(((((Liz)))))

10:52 AM  
Anonymous OldRound said...

I think knitting must have brought me to your blog. Reading through it and WOW real life suddenly stepped in with a vengeance. I could hardly belief it. Let me take this moment to step out of my lurking to tell you that I can't imagine what you and your family are going through. It is a heartbreak.

10:52 AM  
Blogger Carole Knits said...

Awwww, damn. It's that damn sneaky grief again. Just when you think it's safe to feel, it comes back and bites you in the ass. I hope it passes quickly and you feel peaceful and strong again really soon.
Hugs.

11:41 AM  
Anonymous Erica said...

Oh, Liz. Wishing you peace and some sturdy ground under your feet.

12:14 PM  

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