Hurtling along

I have no sense of time. Not hours, not days, not weeks, nothin'. So January has lasted about three months for me.

I have been puzzled by why I don't have expectations, or even the capacity to fantasize expectations, about any men. I think I got into the habit of just enduring whatever hellishness I was feeling over the last year and three months, accepting how I was feeling, not expecting pain to go on endlessly, just letting myself feel how I was feeling and waiting for the feelings to die down enough for me to speak/drive/walk. I got used to not planning to be particularly emotionally functional at any given time. I seem to be applying that to happy stuff, now, having learned the lesson in my guts with the tearing agony of losing S.

I guess it makes it a hell of a lot easier for a guy to be seeing a woman who's totally uninterested in the usual "oh my gosh we're getting married!" fantasy - I can't possibly go there, or even check the bus schedule that goes in that general vicinity.

Condo closing today, party tonight (see you later!) - gratitude for the boundless love of the people in my life, always.