Friday, January 25, 2008

Hurtling along


I have no sense of time. Not hours, not days, not weeks, nothin'. So January has lasted about three months for me.

I have been puzzled by why I don't have expectations, or even the capacity to fantasize expectations, about any men. I think I got into the habit of just enduring whatever hellishness I was feeling over the last year and three months, accepting how I was feeling, not expecting pain to go on endlessly, just letting myself feel how I was feeling and waiting for the feelings to die down enough for me to speak/drive/walk. I got used to not planning to be particularly emotionally functional at any given time. I seem to be applying that to happy stuff, now, having learned the lesson in my guts with the tearing agony of losing S.

I guess it makes it a hell of a lot easier for a guy to be seeing a woman who's totally uninterested in the usual "oh my gosh we're getting married!" fantasy - I can't possibly go there, or even check the bus schedule that goes in that general vicinity.

Condo closing today, party tonight (see you later!) - gratitude for the boundless love of the people in my life, always.

4 Comments:

Blogger Carole Knits said...

Congrats on the condo. Moving forward, good for you.

9:26 AM  
Blogger Lucia said...

Congrats on the condo, indeed. (Some days I wish I had one that no one knew about.)

As for all the other stuff... thinking of you, as always. Can't formulate anything more coherent than that right now. Must bake cookies.

(But now have scrolled down and am giggling helplessly at my verification string: damnmsm. It must think I'm a Republican.)

9:51 AM  
OpenID witchypoo said...

Honey you just got to the dance, why would you be thinking of leaving with someone now?! Go forth and have fun!

10:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Men get kindof freaked out by the whole, NO MARRIAGE thing. At least my experience of the stupid men in Pittsburgh has been, they get freaked out by the NO MARRIAGE thing.

Because they are used to functioning with that in the room, I guess.

I don't know. See my recent amy winehouse post.

---> jessieknits

7:53 PM  

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