Saturday, January 05, 2008

In a weird zone

Well, now.

I just need to spew about this somewhere; lucky you!

I'm in a good, and odd, mood. I am always clueless. I never know for sure whether a person I really like, likes me back. I am deep in the middle of this horseshit right now. Honestly, a bazillion emails plus a bunch of other stuff should probably give me a hint. But no, I still am not sure. F'ing idiot. Maybe because it's just such a weird situation.

On the other hand, there are two other particular persons with whom I am not so unsure. One, I am pretty sure about and have been for about twenty years and finally we're going to spend some time together and see what's what. And the other is yet another of the Oh God realization sort of things.

I should backtrack. I am clueless, yes? This is clear, I hope? because I have trouble even when such things are clear. Okay, I am essentially clueless about how other people are responding to me, in particular if there is any kind of sexual element to that whatsoever. There are a lot of reasons, and yes I am working on it.

The Oh God part is that I have been gently forced to deal with my emotions through this grief thing, rather than do what I'd naturally choose (shut them off completely! forever! never go there again!), by three particular men in my life. Of the three, one is problematic, because part of what he does is nudge me rather directly about my sexuality and it has finally backed off "danger zone." One is less problematic, but still complicated; what he does is keep adult emotions and keen wit connected to each other, rather than letting me use wit as an emotional cut-off valve - it stays part of the flirting thing. He's completely aware of what he's doing, able to own it and deal and it's good, but it's still sort of tense now and then. The third guy, I thought was just the sigh of relief, pure joy person without it being complicated. He exudes love and happiness whenever I see him. I figured he just was always like that. Except I think maybe I was wrong about that and maybe it's actually complicated. Which I figured out very recently. Hence the "Oh God."

So of course I've been playing Guitar Hero a lot.

What? What do you mean, escape? It's fun! Really!

Also I wrote a test on OKCupid using the test questions in Blade Runner that determine whether or not someone is a replicant.

Yes, this is what I do when I have final papers to write. I also blog. Why do you ask?

Party at my house! Jan. 25th! If you aren't a creepy stalker, email me if I haven't sent you a thing yet and I'll send you a thing and come on over, we'll have cookies and scotch and stuff. Most excellent. Yes, it is.

Good night, dahlinks.


Blogger Mel said...

I'm actually off work the night of the 25th, but I work the night before and the night after. David, however, will be at a big trade show in Utah, so I'll have nothing to do. Exactly how far are you from me?

12:38 AM  
Blogger Jena the yarn harpy said...

Good luck... it sounds like juggling cats at the moment, but I'm sure it will smooth out somewhat eventually.
And meanwhile, we have scotch and cookies and such to look forward to in a couple weeks, at which event I'm sure there will be much commisserating (and probably a little snark).

3:47 PM  
Blogger Lorena said...

Damn, I so wish I could come over for scotch and cookies!

8:08 PM  
Blogger Lucia said...

Do you know I never went through the dating thing as an adult? I got to know Grant (not well, but I knew who he was and that he was rather opinionated and contrarian) freshman year in college and we got together at the end of sophomore year (you think you're clueless) and the rest, as they say, is history.

And all of this was an absurdly long time ago, and in college yet, so I never dated in what we used to call the real world. Never lived alone either. (Some days I WANT to.)

See you the 25th, I hope, if not sooner.

12:40 PM  

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