Monday, January 14, 2008

Counting down

Yeah, well, it's late, and yeah, I should be doing something more productive to prepare for the stuff that ends my semester tomorrow. Er, today. Egad. Gadzooks.

There's a paper open on my desktop getting some work, to be turned in tomorrow. So that's okay. And there's a final review of biology stuff for the exam, and I really don't know how that is going to go.

I'm feeling really cheerful, though. And trying to not be weird. Or not too weird anyway. I am happy lately, and silly, and it seems to me that once the worst thing happens, you lose a lot of the reason to be afraid of stuff. "Oh no! what if XYZ?" Well, even if everything possible goes right, you could still have a big pile of horrible land on your head eventually. I'm in a space in my head and heart where I don't have expectations, and try to not have them, and try to just be where I am and see how things go, and that's been really nice. Except it's now and then a little tricky. Well, now, actually; it's a little tricky right now.

I need to email somebody, and I need to also try and think a little tiny bit and not overthink and just...well...I don't know. Going with the "facing down what scares me a little" option seems to pan out pretty damn well. Feeling like, oh crap if I say this or admit I feel this then ... I don't know; it'll be embarrassing, maybe? Well, so far, not. So far, it's been good.

I just can't really plan to feel a particular way, because the last year has been such a total "shake ya up and jangle all the pieces around" kinda year. So I have gotten into the habit of just noticing when I'm functional, or happy, and being glad, and that's the end. This is perfectly fine, except that I'm bumping into the expectations of another person and possibly of yet another person, and I don't quite know what to do. Other than not be too weird or overthink things.

I've been relatively forthright - saying in so many words, "I completely suck at definitions," and "I have no idea what the hell I'm doing, but I like you," and "I am trying to allow for the possibility of a whole range of different kinds of relationships," and other such stuff. But....I don't know. I'm feeling kind of strange, about both guys--aha, probably the trick is that I have not mentioned them particularly to each other, so I'm feeling like they only dimly know about a theoretical oddness whereas there's a concrete bit of oddness going on. Ah. Okay, so I'm being a coward. Again. Sigh.

All rightie. Hands, anyone who made any sense of this at all? Right; thought not. Sorry; more coherence, I hope, another time.

Snow is coming! Again! I hope the plow guy comes.

And I'm buying a condo to crash at when I'm at school way late. This is nifty and exciting, to me, and also extremely cheering. I took a walk around the neighborhood today and discovered that the wine shop is terrific (one must-purchase, as soon as I close on this thing: wine called "Irony." Fabu!) and there's some cool places nearby, too, that I hadn't bothered to wander into before. So this is a good thing and contributing to the cheerfulness.


Blogger Mel said...

Um, I think I kind of sort of got that.

A pied-a-terre in the city sounds very chic and hip.

3:23 AM  
Blogger Jena the yarn harpy said...

Deep breath. Sort it all out on paper, if need be. I think maybe mentioning the people to each other might be an important piece, but that's part of the lists - weigh out the pros and cons of doing so.
More deep breaths.
Knit a little.

Worse comes to worst, a glass of wine and a little more procrastination.

See you Wednesday night?

11:30 AM  
Blogger Lucia said...

Believe it or not, you are making sense. As a friend of mine used to tell me, you have no control whatsoever over other people, and you have none over how you feel, only over what you do.

I always get a terrific rush from dropping large wads of cash. (Before anyone asks me, this applies only to voluntary spending, not to being hit up.)

12:47 PM  

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