Hold on to what is good
even if it is
a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe
even if it is
a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do
even if it is
a long way from here.
Hold on to life
even when
it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand
even when
I have gone away from you.
--Nancy Wood

Holding on.

Steve's CEO came from Japan today to pay his respects. Like a ninny, I had some idea that he wanted to observe some traditional Japanese ritual; of course he didn't. He is an astute, cosmopolitan, heavyweight world businessman. His English was flawless. He wanted to do what was culturally appropriate for us, not impose his own notions.

I am grateful for so many things. I am so grateful for the kindness and sympathy of so many people, including you, reading this now. I had no idea there was this vast safety net underneath me, until I fell, and needed it. Thank you.

The days are still endless. I seem to alternate not-so-bad ones with pretty-bad-indeed ones. Today was not so bad. The kids and I are beginning to feel our way to a kind of rhythm. I am needing to cut loose any silliness I can muster, which is freeing and raw and okay-ish. I still start to cry if someone (the grocery store cashier, for example) asks "how are you today?" How I am is still holding on, just barely, with tired and battered fingers.

I actually did wake up yesterday to a phone ringing, and some part of my mind leapt--it has all been a horrible mistake! he is really alive!--of course I know that's not so. I knew it even while the half-formed thought peeked out from the corner of my mind.

Yesterday was one of those pretty-bad-indeed ones. But today wasn't.

I have a list of scary phone calls to make and tasks that I can't deal with yet but will need to eventually. Then there are the mildly absurd things, like the mail and the dog and which end of the grave is it again where I'm allowed to plant the flowers? Actually most phone calls are scary for me, under the best of circumstances. And people are really nice, even at large frightening financial institutions. It just takes a lot out of me to say one more time, my husband died; two weeks ago; yes, same address; yes, I'll hold.

Holding on. Just holding on.