Saturday, May 12, 2007

What I did instead of go to NHS&W


Kids wanted to actually watch the parade this year, since it wasn't snowing or raining or 105 degrees F, for once, so we watched the parade.

I did a bunch of biology studying.

Talked to my mom.

Made sure youngest's baseball uniform is clean for the game tonight.

Went to the yarn store for some more Kureyon, for yet another stripey scarf, 'cause I need a mindless project. Another one. Well, I was also making up for not being able to go to NH for the sheep and wool and all.

Ketchup (the cat) had a good idea of how to spend the afternoon:


The weather is beautiful. I'm feeling aimless and sad and strange. I did a lot of crying yesterday. I picked up a copy of the town report, and eventually flipped to the list of deaths for the year; dh's was listed first, as his - our - last name starts (started?) with A. It said he was 48, and I thought, no he just turned 49--oh, wait. No, actually, he didn't, did he. And the vortex opened up, and I've been intermittently in tears ever since. It is possible to count exactly how long to the day his life was, which had not occurred to me. It's an aspect of his life being over that my head hadn't gotten to yet. Over, finite, no more days to come.

He will not see our oldest agonize over where to go to college. He will not see our youngest play baseball. He will not take pictures of the parade going by our house. He is missing a beautiful day, and I wish so desperately that ... he could be here, teasing me for being chilly when it's just perfect out for him.

Mother's Day last year was when we had the flooding of biblical proportions, that washed out roads and bridges all over the Northeast, and dh drove us up to NHS&W in the middle of it because it was something I love and it was Mother's Day and we should do something I like on Mother's Day. I have a picture of him smiling ruefully at me in the rain, and another of him taking a picture of the flood.

No rain this year. This year, for the first time in ages, the weather could not possibly be better for a fair. The grass is green, leaves are out, the apple trees are in bloom, and even our semi-wild yard looks lovely.

A perfect day. Except it's without him.

9 Comments:

Blogger Lucia said...

I send you a big woolly hug, Liz.

5:29 PM  
Blogger Carole Knits said...

I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now. Hugs.

7:43 PM  
Blogger Lorena said...

I'm in line with hugs, when you're done with the above. Just waiting, and adoring you to pieces.

10:27 PM  
Anonymous Suzanne said...

Warm thoughts to you.

12:35 AM  
Blogger farm-witch said...

If I could lend you my heart to take the pain for a while, I would. Be proud, mama, even if you're having to celebrate while doing the hard stuff - because you're doing it real good!

11:38 AM  
Blogger Jena the yarn harpy said...

I'm glad that you have the fond memories of last year, even if they do inspire tears this year. I honestly believe that he is watching, that he is by your side and the kids in everything that you do. Treasure the memories and the moments and be sure to tell him about the things he is not physically experiencing. I'll bet he's listening.

:::hug:::

Happy Mother's Day, Liz.

See you in a few days.

2:59 PM  
Blogger Nicole said...

Sending you good thoughts.

8:10 PM  
Blogger Ruth said...

I was thinking of you and DH on Saturday, remembering that he drove you to NHS&W in buckets of rain, and the pictures he/you took .... and how much you must be missing him.

Big (((HUGS))) to you, dear friend ...

10:00 PM  
Anonymous Lynne said...

A happy belated Mother's Day.
Big hugs.

9:31 AM  

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