Wednesday, November 01, 2006

And so it goes

The kids and I carved pumpkins. Middle child and I went over to my husband's grave and carved the pumpkin there, too; it looks great.

I'm having a series of fairly crappy days. I'm getting used to the crying, and trying to work around it. I also have surrendered to the idea of always losing things, and just hope to keep it to a minimum--the item for yesterday (and today, too) is postage stamps.

The waves of insane things going wrong has subsided for now (knock wood). I can only handle so much before I just stop being able to cope, so it's good that the insurance payout is no longer in limbo.

I got a nice note from my dear's Ph.D. thesis advisor, so I wrote back. It's cathartic in a way. I finally wrote to the best man from our wedding. I would like to write thank you notes to people who sent cards and flowers and donations to the kids' education fund and all that suff, and I haven't done it yet but it doesn't feel like a stressor, it's kind of a nice thing in reserve. Something to stave off the finality. All these little busy things to do keep my attention away from the world's largest elephant in the room.

As I read this over it sounds flat; that's how I feel. The last couple of days have been so draining that I think I'm fresh out of emotional energy. I'm still not sleeping very much. I woke up before sunrise again. I've lost a little over ten pounds, which I needed to do (but some of my clothes don't fit now and I look sort of like a scarecrow but I feel like one, too). I don't recommend it as a diet plan.

The folklore about wailing figures in white around graveyards makes more sense to me. I spend a fair amount of time wailing and crying, especially when I go to my husband's grave. I wonder if the stories come from actual widows being observed and mistaken for the spirits of the dead.

This year, the idea of a graveyard or dead people being scary is just something from another planet. Dead guy rising from the grave? his ghost walking around and interacting with me in any way? Frankly, any of that would be fine with me.

Feliz Dia de los Muertos. Maybe we'll go celebrate that today.

Felices a todos, y paz.


Blogger Jena the yarn harpy said...

I'm praying for him today and for you and the kids as well. I pray that his soul is at rest and at peace, that his presence will always be felt in your lives, that the pain of memories gradually subsides while being replaced by the joy they once held, that you are every day stronger and that you all begin to find your path through this process to be a little smoother each morning.

Peace and strength, Liz.

11:32 AM  
Blogger Carole said...

Today is All Saint's Day. I hope you can find a way to celebrate your St. Steve.

11:43 AM  
Blogger Lucia said...

What Jena said. May you find solace, maybe just little bits here and there, getting more solid all the time. Please eat.

3:36 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

Hi! I was just over at the Yarn Harlot's and had to check out who a commenter might be who called themselves a "crazed weasel". Turns out we are neighbors of a sort (I tell people I live about 8 miles northwest of Boston). Having gotten here, I am sorry for your loss (such a few words for such a huge event). From your writing it sounds like there is some coping going on and you are being amazing with your children and your household. Hope your knitting brings you some peace as well. See you around the blogsphere.

By the way, "Crazed Weasel" is a way cool handle!

2:54 AM  
Anonymous Kat with a K said...

Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry. I've been behind on blogs so I just heard. Please let me know if there's anything I can do.

1:53 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

You write so beautifully, Liz. You make such amazing sense of life, and you do it with such grace and purpose.

Like everyone else, I wish I could do or say something helpful. I wish you peace, and sleep.

4:43 PM  

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