Okay, so this week I had lecture Monday, lecture Tuesday, lecture Wednesday, lab Thursday, and got together with a lab partner and one other classmate to study until midnight Thursday. Oof. Midterms are coming up, and I'll have three in rapid succession. Last night I realized that I had no idea when the statistics exam was. Er, well, I checked on that pretty quick.
We're getting quizzes every time we have lab. It's nerve-wracking - I don't think well when tired, and I think I wrote complete nonsense last night in response to the question, what might happen if you didn't purify things out of your PCR reaction? Kind of sucky. I guess the plus side is that our TF reviews before she hands out the quiz so we have a good chance of getting things right, and the damn things aren't worth much in terms of our final grade anyway.
Apart from school, I had a denouement with the Guy. He called Wed. night (by appointment!) and we had a good long conversation. I'd said, well okay anytime after 9:30ish is fine, so he called at 9:31 (while I was still in lecture) and then called back again. I've shut down my feelings for him almost completely at this point, so it didn't reopen anything for me, but what stuff I still kind of needed, I got from him, which was really good. He did indeed owe me some explanations and I got them; also I am vain enough to really enjoy hearing how amazing I am over and over again. This does sort of raise the question, well if you really feel like that toward me how well is your attempt at a monogamous relationship with someone else likely to go? but it was fine. He was frustrated in the end, for a change; I called him on all his bullshit; and when he floated the idea of getting together for the night I cheerfully told him to fuck off.
And now... buried under the avalanche of work and god knows what, I got a big fat envelope in the mail from Harvard Extension.
I am an official degree candidate now. I have a shiny new i.d. card, and a nice pin with the university crest on it, and transfer credit and library borrowing privileges and I can use the athletic facilities and eat in the dining hall and... Pinocchio has become a Real Boy. Er, Girl.
I'm really doing this. It's happening. It's going to take me a little while to absorb it; I might need to cry. For the moment, I'm feeling like a little flame just lit up inside me.
Knitting brunch at Athan's in Brighton tomorrow morning, anyone - be there or... not! And tequila knitting on Wed.!
And oh my god I have to do a heart dissection in lab on Monday holy crap...
Late addition: Saw this on DailyKos in someone's comment and it brings tears. Something lovely:
My lab partner and I better get along - I'm going to be seeing him Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Will probably suggest he practice pipette-ing with water before we screw up the next stage of our experiments (and thanks again for the suggestion, Double Helix). I could use the practice, too.
Big hugs to Yarn Harpy. A whoo hoo and hello to zentropa. A good night to all.
Sigh... well, this is sort of bad news but sort of good news, too - I heard back from the summer program in Tokyo and they're not taking me. Which is a shame, but on the other hand, I really should get my basic chem courses covered this summer. And the logistical challenge of going away for 8 weeks was going to be... quite a logistical challenge indeed. I was beginning to have the thought experiments of "do I really want to do this even if I'm accepted into the program?" and coming up with all kinds of answers.
So you guys are stuck with me this summer. Mwahahaha.
Interesting having a decision made for me. I actually can't remember the last time that happened.
Which would be a good general question to toss out there, now that I think about it: when's the last time a decision was made for you?
Well, I've been venting about this a bit over the weekend - the Guy is officially History, now. He was gonna come visit, we were going to spend most of the weekend together, he bailed. Still didn't quite get it, of course. My clue was: hey, I'm free Tuesday and you have the day off! and he said, oh wow I'm too busy bummer I gotta do laundry and stuff.
It still took me 'til today to figure that one out.
Did I mention that I'm clueless?
Okay, so many thanks to my wonderful friends who are awesome and totally rock and you know, love me. I sent a final text this afternoon: "ok, I get it - bye, cutie, & good luck with everything."
Sigh. He's really cute. But honestly... I think showing up, & being in, like, the same room or state, even, is sort of a requirement. Don't you?
Off to class, now. Thank you for putting up with this little drama. I am far, far too fabulous to be treated badly.
Well, I've f*cked up times for everything, so the Requiem was in fact at 2 in the afternoon, not the evening; would have been helpful to check that ahead of time, but I've been kinda distracted. So I went to a budget hearing yesterday instead of Mozart, and today will be studying with some people from class instead of going to Mozart. Sigh. At least I'm getting caught up with all the stuff I need to do for classes. Blog post is the morning's reward for doing a detailed required post on Japanese history to the class bulletin board.
Yeah, I've been up for a while. It's a peaceful morning; I'd be happier with less of the "freezing" thing and more of the "thawing finally so we can get on with spring" and maybe not so much the "ice all over the stairs and driveway all the time." Just a thought.
I'm in a weird place emotionally. I have no sense of time. Ever. I am also pretty clueless. This makes it difficult if not impossible to be patient about something I want, and at the moment I also have no idea if I am the only one who wants it. I talked to S. about what was going on a little bit, and he was like, you are frickin' kidding me I hope he makes up for it! And my sister was like, oh geez honey you gotta just quietly walk the hell away from this. And I am torn between what my slightly paranoid animal self's instinct is and what it is inferring from things (which is avoidance), and what my head reads in actual words (which is desire). There's a huge disconnect between the two right now. Yuck.
So my head is rolling up its sleeves, stomping down on animal, and getting really focused on biostatistics and stuff. Which I do love, incidentally (it's all the fun of statistics with none of the hard math parts, and though I can certainly do the hard math parts, I am delighted that I don't have to). Head is preventing animal from doing anything too stupid. At least that's the plan. As R. said Wednesday, and no offense intended to the many many wonderful and kind and caring men I know, "boys suck."
Have I mentioned that I'm intense? Oh. I'm intense.
Guitar Hero was a good outlet yesterday - I played for a couple hours before my budget hearing and made it through a bunch of songs on "hard"; am currently stuck on the damn Kiss song encore that I have to beat to get to the next sub-level and I'm *this close* but still failing it. Gack. I have blisters on my fingertips from this shit. No kidding; I really do. It's pretty weird.
I am for this weekend anyway a Guitar Hero Hero: there was a teen event Friday night, and they'd set up all kinds of stuff - DDR, Guitar Hero, music & dance floor, and more. And they'd blown fuses, and equipment wasn't working, and when I got there, they'd just realized no one had brought a disk to actually *run* Guitar Hero. So I went home and got mine. Ta da! Saving the day, one day at a time. Yup.
I so totally rock. It's a heavy burden, but I shall bear it. (flounce, flounce)
I'm fine, really; wistful, frustrated, but not insane with grief or any of the other pits of despair some of you have seen me in. Part of letting myself feel is gonna be some frustration and bitchiness and general suckitude now and then, and that's okay. Doesn't interfere with my overall fabulousness one bit. And there *are* a few cute guys around; hm....
On to more reading for class - have a glorious day, all.
So I'm watching some online lectures for Japanese history this morning, and the professor is explaining power politics in the imperial court about 1500 years ago, and the emperor had a bunch of consorts. The consorts lived in separate residences, with their own families, and when the emperor was, um, up for it, according to the professor, "he'd run over and knock on the door and say, hey you want to write some poetry and maybe chill out for a while?"
Laughing my head off.
I have a bunch of time this weekend, owing to plans getting scratched, which I'm still annoyed about, but will wander over to Handel & Haydn Society for the Mozart Requiem at some point and hopefully get caught up with reading for Japanese history and my other coursework. I haven't yet exchanged my flex-pass things for actual tickets yet, so if anybody's up for joining me, I have a seat for you - just let me know.
We had grief group for our last time last night. Yes, grief group on Valentine's Day. Well, yeah, it sounds like the most colossal bummer ever, but there you go. Youngest child thought he was ready to move on, which was our gating factor, really (the girls and I have been in a place where we're ready to move on for quite some while now). So we discussed it over the last couple of weeks, and discussed it some more, and then some more, and told the folks at the center, and said our goodbyes complete with ritual.
And then just after going to bed last night, youngest was in tears about it and is not sure he really *was* ready to stop going. OUCH. I told him that sometimes, decisions are like that: you go back and forth, and then make a choice, and then things look different and no matter what your choice is, you immediately think oh the other one would have been better. We will sit with it for a while and then see what's up.
Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
Guy-ness is sort of weird at the moment, mostly because it's confusing. Cute, but also not sure precisely what the hell is going on (yeah, what else is new, when do I *ever* know what the hell is going on). It's helpful to remind myself that I am in fact fabulous beyond all reason.
Glad y'all had nice VD-day-ness (and hi, abby!!) - Mel, the chocolate sounds like the perfect way to go - you guys rock. Lucia, chocolate is nice but y'know, you got Mr. Fucshia there, too, so on the whole I'd say you win. Though I still maintain that it is really all about me.
Now back to the suddenly hilarious Japanese history lecture, the wrestling with the utility companies, and getting on with my oh so fabulous life. Take care, all.
The oddness that is a day devoted to buying greeting cards
Happy Valentine's Day, everybody, whatever that may mean to you - my two oldest went to a "screw valentine's day, let's hang out" slumber party last night, and I had - gasp! joy! - knitting at Javaroom.
Which was great! I got to see a bunch of people! Yay! Yarn Harpy gets major, major hugs and piles of astonished gratefulness for a cd she burned for me...which contains nothing the slightest bit illegal or anything and is purely experimental in nature, what with needing to put something on there besides pictures of the hot marine from her wedding. Ahem. Thank you so much!! And R. even came over for Guitar Hero later! Yay yay yay! So we stayed up kinda late and discovered that the Cream song really is a two glass of wine one. You get into precisely the right groove after two glasses of wine. Very convenient, that. I clearly need to get another controller so we can do multiplayer on this thing - then the nagging to come and play with me will simply never end. You have been warned, people.
This is an oldish thing, but still funny if you haven't seen it. Part of its charm is that it sounds like (and no doubt is) a bunch of drunk guys in somebody's basement. Herewith:
Let's see... I finished my biostatistics homework, which was good; I was kinda bummed Monday (still am, a bit), 'cause plans for the weekend got screwed up and now I need to try and figure out whether and when I'm going to the Mozart Requiem after all (anybody want to come with me?), lab was a grind but okay, I have passed one goddamn song on hard level on Guitar Hero and keep dying nearly at the end of song two (which is annoying). Also the new iMac is a thing of beauty and a delight and a joy. But it doesn't run Guitar Hero all that well.
Must remember to pay bills and make phone calls and all that stuff. Will try to have reasonable day; you all do the same, okay? Okay.
Did I mention Guitar Hero at all? Oh. Yeah. Happy Valentine's Day. Be happy and well and hug somebody.
Today was really, really fun. By which I mean, peaceful, then a bit rushed, then extremely silly. I slept in the new place, having purchased sheets and towels - and oh, yes, there is a now-assembled bed and everything - go, me - plus the essential component: coffee and the means to make it. Ahhhh. So last night, I unloaded a whole bunch more stuff - the stuff is nearly done, I swear - and after opening a box of a thing that needed to be assembled, I looked at it, looked at the time (about 11:45 pm), noticed that I was tired, and then...went to bed.
I woke to peace and quiet, put the water on for coffee, took a shower (hey! I remembered shampoo!), and then drove back out to the house this morning, in a reverse commute that was truly a thing of beauty in its non-impeded-by-traffic-in-any-way-itude.
And so it went. Some peace and quiet. Woke various other members of household, got folks ready for such things as Shakespeare rehearsal, then drove around a lot, then settled in for the day and got really, really silly.
The silly...well, now. I have these two friends, C and B, and they're getting *really into* juicing things, and raw food. And C's been going through some very serious health stuff. And I've - well, I had my own stuff. We got on this loop all afternoon where I'd say, "because after all, it's really ALL ABOUT ME," to which C would reply, "oh no it isn't it's ALL ABOUT ME!" And we kept going at it and cracking up and incidentally making other people laugh, too - because what isn't funny about cancer and death and THE REAL ISSUE BEING MY NARCISSISM?? oh, excuse me, C's narcissism. Which is nowhere NEAR as well-developed as mine. I'm just sayin'. (I totally win at narcissism.) (Also irony.)
Anyhow, interject into this foolishness B and her raw food thing, and it just got beyond silly...somehow I found it necessary to put B into a (pretend!) headlock (which was actually a hug!) when she started in with the goddamn raw food shit again. So then B apparently tells at least one other person, S, that I will put *him* into a headlock if he will simply start talking about the benefits of raw food...which I didn't know about at the time, but he did, and I did...oh, it was ridiculous.
Yes, I do plan to go drink some wine with most of these people tomorrow night; whyever do you ask?
Lab assignments were posted at lecture - yay! I got Monday lab! happy, happy, joy, joy, lab next week, which means I get to go to knitting! huzzah! And it looks like I have my same TF from last semester, which is great, and also some of my favorite classmates/lab partners/study group compatriots are also assigned to my lab section. So fun is just exploding all over the place, willy-nilly (don't you just love that expression?).
The Fun Explosion. Sounds like a 70's pop band, doesn't it? Maybe it was...
Oh, and I'm at 78% on "hard" mode on Guitar Hero "Even Flow," which is pretty damn sweet if I do say so myself.
Um, yeah, I got some good rest last night. My body seems to think this is an "every other night" sort of thing. Ah, well.
Except on the knitting front - knitting, I seem to be doing in some alternate universe that uses up a minute every time a week passes in this universe. Oh, I suppose it's possible that if I spent a little more time (er, or any) each day knitting, progress would be visible. The trouble is that I have no very good sense of how long the days are, or if something happened "today" or "yesterday" or "an hour ago."
Ahem. Old friend is in hospital. Weasel visits today, chats with nurse about what medications the dear patient is on, precisely, and one is a tranquilizer. So OF COURSE I started talking about benzodiazepenes and chloride channels. You really can't take me anywhere.
Cocoa House was tonight - I sang with a small group, and our vocal selection was, um, not too bad. We sort of improvised some of the harmony. It was a great time - oldest child MC'ed the event again, and she's really funny and good at it and it was a hoot, and I was really proud of her. She's grown into a poised, engaging, wonderful young woman. Brava, kid.
This morning was taken up with the remains of the slumber party, which was kind of fun. Nine teenagers, all in my house, all having fun - they're a great group of kids, but, wow, it's a bit of a job keeping the food coming. I was up a bit too early for someone who (cough, cough) stayed up until 3:30 beating Medium level on Guitar Hero (cough)(hey, go me!), but it was okay. Made a bunch of pancakes, prepared strawberries, set out chocolate milk and yogurt and orange juice, and the kids had a fine brunch and behaved in a civilized manner and everything. I have cleaned up everything from the evening and morning and early afternoon.
I have lugged all the stuff I stuck in the car up to the condo (including wine! and a fresh bottle of Islay single malt!). I now have loaded some more stuff into the car: a kitchen island thing, which will go against the wall just outside the condo's minute galley kitchen and become Counter Space, of which I otherwise have this much: zero. Also there's a cabinet and drawer in which I can store pots, pans, and silverware. Still need a bed, some seating, and probably that small desk I have my eye on at Bowl & Board.
Hm... I'm starting to sound like a to do list again, aren't I? Yikes.
I seem to be attempting to corrupt everyone who comes to my house - I nudged L. enough this morning that she gave Guitar Hero a go, and nearly got S. to do it, too, but she really did have to leave. Pout. Then another teenager arrived and - yay! - played through a song on Expert, so I could see what the heck you do with your hands to get the notes in that damn fast and do you just move your hand to hit the orange key or what? Yeah, you do. Hee hee hee! Might get to play with the Yarn Harpy, as she appears to have succumbed to this new vice - not my fault, I swear.
The Day of a Weasel in February: cook, wash dishes, cook more, wash more dishes. Drive toward city. Stop at hospital & visit dear H. in ICU. Continue in to city. Unload big bunch of stuff. Carry stuff up to condo (which is on the 4th floor) (no, there isn't an elevator). Pick up kitchen thing & load into car. Notice time and heaviness of thing. Drive back to house and eat something (hey! forgot to eat before that!). Retrieve children and go to fun evening.
I will definitely be able to have brunch next weekend, yay. The new city address will simplify things a lot sometimes - also complicate things, but hey, my life gets complicated beyond all imagining anyway, whether I go do something fun or not.
Let's see - yes, I'm pretty totally incoherent, aren't I? Must be time to go to sleep. 'Night, everybody.